I’m-Hungover-But-Don’t-Want-to-be-Fat Cauliflower Fried “Rice”

I used to get really hungover in college. Don’t get me wrong – I also get the occasional pukey, head-pounding headache hangover these days. But nothing compared to college.

And in my hungover brain, calories never matter. Anything I can choke down that won’t come back up will do the trick to cure it. Preferably very greasy. Preferably of the Asian persuasion. Preferably college budget-approved.

In Madison, there’s this place called Asian Kitchen. Everything they serve is loaded with MSG. I love it. They make this lo mein that I always used to eat when I was hungover. One minute I would be on my deathbed and after eating an entire quart (no, literally) of that lo mein, with about half a cup of grease pooling at the bottom, I felt like a million bucks.

But like, I got a lil porky the year I ate the most lo mein. And I’m pretty sure it was the lo mein. Not all the alcohol that led to the hangovers that led to the lo mein. Yeah. Pretty sure.

Anyway, this is a guilt-free, paleo, vegetarian, every-diet-under-the-sun-approved alternative for my current, “adult” hangovers. You know, if I have some left over. I am obviously not capable of cooking while hungover.

Cauliflower Fried Rice

Paleo & Vegetarian Cauliflower Fried “Rice”
(Adapted from SkinnyTaste)
Serves 4

What you need:

1 medium head cauliflower
cooking spray
2 large eggs, beaten (vegans omit)
1 tbsp sesame oil
1/2 medium onion, finely diced
1-2 large carrots, finely diced
1/2 medium head broccoli, chopped into small florets
2 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 tsp ginger powder
4 tbsp low sodium soy sauce
1 tsp fish sauce (vegans omit)
2 tbsp Sambal Oelek (Asian chili sauce; omit if you don’t want spicy – you could also substitute Sriracha, which I’m assuming more people have on hand)

What you do:

Rinse cauliflower thoroughly, remove stem and roughly chop into small florets. In batches, fit as many florets as you can into a food processor and process until fine, but not mush. (I have a mini food processor that only holds 2 cups at the moment, so I had a lot of batches and I ended up making it a little too fine, like cous cous, which was okay. Do yourself a favor and use a bigger one.) Set cauliflower “rice” aside.

In a small bowl, beat eggs. Coat a large saute pan with cooking spray and place over medium heat. Once warm, add eggs and scramble. Don’t over cook. Set aside.

In the same pan over medium heat, add sesame oil and saute onion, carrots and broccoli until tender, about 4-5 minutes. You may want to cover for about a minute to steam the broccoli. Add garlic and ginger and stir to combine over heat for an additional minute.

photo 2

Raise heat to medium-high and add cauliflower “rice,” soy sauce, fish sauce and Sambal Oelek. Mix, cover pan and cook cauliflower, stirring frequently, until tender inside but slightly crispy outside, about 6 minutes. Mix in the egg.

photo 3

Remove from heat and enjoy! You may choose to top this with some scallions (I had none) and adjust seasoning to taste. I think cooked shrimp or tofu would also be a welcome addition.

Pairs well with cheap sake and/or a bad hangover.

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